I sometimes wonder if sentimentality will ultimately be my downfall. Being heartless or intentionally cruel seems to be the hallmark of my profession and while I am both heartless and intentionally cruel at times, I don’t know that I could bring myself to live the way that I am meant to. There is a stereotype among the serial killer community – if a mix of media and obsessive fanatics can be called a community. We don’t have weekly meetings to discuss technique. Although, that would be an excellent way to rid myself of all competition; I must consider that next time I come across a fellow psychopath.
There is a stereotype among the serial killer community of being isolated and unfeeling, taking often sexual pleasure from murder or pain. Or there is an element of curiosity at the human condition. How much can one person endure? I have experienced all those things – James can attest to sexual pleasure on several occasions – but I never thought I fully fit into the vision of what a serial killer should be. Why we have created a set image around what a sequential murderer should be is a little troubling in my mind but it exists nonetheless.
Rarely do you hear instances of real killers who have families and seem well adjusted in their neighbourhood. I pride myself as an anomaly but I can’t help but wonder sometimes if I would be better off without the burden of another life in which I am loved and respected. Life would be much simpler if I were a lonely, maladjusted citizen, living out of a van who the neighbours are kind of scared of but say “I always knew someone was off” when I finally get arrested.
That’s the dream anyway.
Someone has been following Jason. He came home and told me yesterday that he is certain someone has been following him around for the last few weeks. Since before Christmas. And he is telling me now. While I understand he wanted to be sure, I still don’t like that I am just finding out about this. Apparently someone, he thinks it’s a woman but he can’t be sure, has been parked across from his work and then following him home on and off. Once or twice, he’s seen someone entering and exiting a store at the same time as him. That alone might not be enough to arouse suspicion but combined with the following him home, and three hang up calls to the house, I’m worried. And I want him to be alert as well but I can’t have my son fearing for his life.
I wonder if James’ friend is as off the case as he says he is. Maybe he’s got a partner. Maybe it’s Daniel all over again. I don’t think I could handle that. It did not end well the last time and I don’t think my heart could take it again.
I sometimes wonder what my career as a killer would be like if I didn’t have a family to worry about. Would I be more or less successful without someone to come home to at night? To protect my secrets and support my urges. To fear losing every time someone else comes close to discovering my secret.
Sometimes it’s more than I can bear.
As always, dear readers,