Things have officially settled. I hesitate to say it because optimism undoubtedly leads to tragedy. It is the arrogance of hope. If I’ve taught you anything in all our years together it’s that arrogance will get you killed. So when I say that things have settled, I worry about jinxing the situation but at the same time, I need to tell you that the situation in my household has reached a plateau and I’m happy about it.
James’ busy schedule has seemed to reach a middle ground where he only works nights three times a week and I actually get to sleep with my husband. It’s not about having sex with him; it’s about the comfort of sleeping next to him. It’s a weird habit where I like sharing in the warmth and touch that we provide each other. I’ve always been used to his unusual hours and having to sleep alone on occasion but the last few months, he’s been working the late shift more and more often. I know it’s because he’s working through his promotion and the late hours are so he can keep me safe which is why I never complain…to his face. I can rant and whine to you all I damn well please. So long as James never learns how selfish I am. But he’s back so I have no reason to complain about it more than I already have today.
Jason is also back to a normal schedule. He’s sleeping more and going to work every day. I even found the courage to ask him about college the other day. I didn’t push him to go to school after his father’s death – and the school was very accommodating when I phrased it so generally – but he’s bee back at school for over a month now and I’m worried about what his future plans are. I know his grades aren’t the best but he has a specialized interest and that has to drive him to do something productive. I hope. I know I shouldn’t push him but it’s alright because he answered me honestly. He doesn’t know. He still has a lot of the same interests but Andrew made him think about what else life has to offer. I will respect his wishes – whether or not they involve college – I want him to be okay. Whether or not I agree with his methods he is working towards that.
Heather is not working towards this coveted “okay” stasis. She is, she’s just going about it very differently. She came back to work full time on Monday and even sassed me which is a very excellent thing. But she’s grown quieter around the other girls in the office – especially Lydia. She’s been ignoring her the past two days and kept her head down whenever people come to my office. She’s still working efficiently and responds with a generally snarky tone whenever someone talks to her; but she’s not instigating conversation. It’s perfectly reasonable to me that she needs a little time to readjust to this much social interaction but I still count it as a win: Heather is sitting at her desk acting like a judgemental bitch and getting everyone’s work done.
Which brings me to…myself. I feel tired all the time. I’m eating a little healthier – since Heather insisted on grocery shopping with me – she’s still living on my couch but I don’t mind it. I’m content. Until I was cleaning out my office desk last night. I do it about every five years and it’s mostly just to shred my outdated paperwork. I found a letter from Sandra in my top drawer. It hadn’t been opened and I don’t remember putting it in there so I assume Sandra slipped it in when I wasn’t looking. I haven’t read it yet. It could be nothing. But it could also be something very important.
If I never open it then I’ll never have to know if Sandra had even more secrets that she never shared.
I’ll get to remember her the way I want to.
Besides, things are going well now. No need to stir up the past.
As always, dear readers,