Nothing new to report this week. Jason doesn’t start technical college until next week; he seems more content than he was earlier this summer. He’s growing up all on his own. I’m proud.
But as he grows up, I find myself facing my childhood. On Friday, I went out for drinks with Heather to maintain our obligatory friendship. I was having a nice time, we drank, I indulged in my desire to gossip about our coworkers. I know it’s wrong spread that kind of negativity but sometimes you need to vent and apparently “normal people” vent by gossiping and sending passive aggressive emails. Overall, people are assholes but I’ve been learning their ways. The more time I spend with Heather, the more I see her side of office life. She’s been my secretary for 6 years and I have no idea what she does all day. That’s not meant to be a slight on her character. Like I’ve said, she’s very good at her job. I’m always ready and on time for meetings, things are always copied or filed or faxed when I ask and she rarely takes a day off. I probably couldn’t do my job without her. But once I close my office door, I have no idea what she does. I still don’t, it’s just something I’ve been thinking about.
Anyways, we were out of drinks on Friday, having a great time, sharing a few laughs, when who should walk by but Rebecca fucking Wood. We went to high school together, shared a lot of classes but nothing that extended far beyond the building. We shared a quick hello and exchanged introductions, and then I made the mistake of asking: “so what are you up to?”
She’s incredibly successful; pursued her passion right out of university, received promotion after promotion at an alarming rate, now makes…well not million but she’s very well off. I hated it. Call me petty all you want, but I left our encounter feeling bitter.
I am successful in my own life. I have a steady career, a good income, a child at home, a husband who loves me; I am pursuing my passion even if I`m not getting paid for it. I have every reason to be happy with my life. I hate to admit it but I was jealous. I was bitter and jealous.
I clearly still am.
Seeing someone else who’s going after the same goal, but is just better at it, makes me incredibly frustrated. It feels like I’m failing. And I don’t like to fail, or lose.
I should take this as an opportunity for self-improvement but instead, I killed Rebecca yesterday. Mostly out of spite.
It felt great. My confidence is restored. Now, I don’t recommend killing everyone who makes you feel inadequate – that would take way too much time – venting is good; getting your emotions out whether through gossip or physical violence, is healthier than keeping it in.
How’s that for a life lesson?
You’re welcome, dear readers.