I thought it would be casual fun to play true “horror-genre” serial killer. It’s incredibly challenging.
I went from three or four random killings a week to one staged murder in a very specific location. Because I have no patience, I caught a quickie on the way home to satisfy my baser urges. Let me tell you: having a psychopathy and specific methodology to my work is hard. I don’t understand how they do it. Acting on the urge to kill for humiliation or revenge or misplaced anger – that I understand – but the need to leave a neon sign saying “I killed her and this is why” has always baffled me.
I really don’t have the desire to psychoanalyse other criminals. Your work is your own, I’m sure you have a perfectly good explanation; I admire your work, really. It just makes no sense to me.
However, in the spirit of the holiday, I’m doing my best to keep an open mind. I’ve chosen black females in their early twenties in the downtown area who are walking alone at night.
If you fit the profile: good luck.
I use the handle of my knife to stun them and then stab once in the femoral artery (and then four more stabs for a staged-overkill). Then I cut off her left ring finger with a cigar cutter and take it home in a plastic bag.
So far the only good thing that’s come out of this is that James and I have been passing the bag back and forth, giving each other “the finger”. Everything else has been normal or more frustrating. Knowing that when I go out, I’ll have no choice but to kill a specific group in a specific way is so stifling. Unpredictability is one of my favourite things about killing – besides, you know…the killing part – I think even a month of this will be torturous.
But I am determined to foll0ow through. I was right: I need the distraction.
Sandra has called me every other hour since she was started her parole on Sunday because she wants to know about her children. She wasn’t able to attend Sandra’s funeral so she wants to visit her grave site. And Jason has refused to give her his cell number. She’s been cut off from her family and it’s now fallen on me to keep her connected. I hate this feeling. Like she’s relying on me – like she’s trusting me.
Why the fuck would she think she can trust me?
And I just fielded another call from my sister. If Jason wants to talk to her, he’ll do it himself. I’ve told her that a dozen times but it doesn’t seem to be registering.
I don’t know if I’ll answer her next call.
Why should I?
I’m not her keeper, I’m her sister. And if she thinks she’ll make it in this world, she needs to understand that just because we are family does not mean I have to keep bailing her out.
I won’t do it.
God, she’s been out for three days and I’m already done with her bullshit. How am I going to handle her every single day?
Pray for me.
As always, dear readers,