Wednesday, 27 July 2016

Your Mid-Week Update for 07/27/16

Lawnmowers are just…so great when you’re in a messy mood.

Like I was saying last week, it`s like a wood chipper but more hands on which is great if that’s what you’re looking for. Friday, I was looking for loud and messy and fun – and I’m not just talking about my husband.

Oh my god, I apologize. That was a really bad joke even for me.

Moving on: we’re into the last week of this creative project. Overall, I think it’s been very successful. I will definitely be looking into more household poisons; hydrogen peroxide really caught my eye. Poisons are tricky, though. They never work the same way twice which sucks when you’re in a pinch but if you can take your time, poisons are just beautiful.

And speaking of taking your time…

My last kill in the garage. I think I might have done this one before but no specific event comes to mind so I’m using it. Air embolism. I guarantee if I’ve done it before, I’ve never used a bicycle pump carefully placed in a victim’s arm. I found him passed out on the street, very clearly enjoying the leftovers of a wild party. It’s a pity he didn’t have better friends who could take care of him. One shot and his heart gave out within a few minutes. Quick and quiet; there’s no shame in that.

This week’s endeavours were put to use in the living room.

Another simple kill that gets the job done: A photo frame I never got around to using. Not much to tell there. Blunt force trauma to the back of the neck, hitting the spine with the sharp edge of a wooden frame. Collapsed, most likely paralysed, and beaten to finish the job.

My kill last night was at least a little more creative. I pulled the coil out of an old couch cushion and wrapped it around my victim’s neck. With my husband’s help, we pulled a wire loose –after cutting the breaker – and created a little spark for our victim. A little tricky and risky but it ultimately wielded the right results.

One area I’ve never really worked with is technology and electricity and that area. I’ve mostly been afraid to because of how volatile the material is. As unpredictable as poison is, there’s no telling how wires and circuitry will react, especially since I don’t know what I’m doing.

I wonder if Jason deals with hardware or just software. Maybe I could ask him to teach me some things. It couldn’t hurt to get some more family bonding in before he starts school again. One more month.

But on that note, I’ve noticed Jason doesn’t seem as excited about started school as he used to be. Every time I bring it up – which isn’t often, I’m trying not to pester my son about his future even though it’s killing me to not know – he shuts down of focuses all his attention on his computers. I think he loves all that computer/technology stuff but being in a classroom setting is stifling his interest. I remember reading an article about children with ADD having trouble with traditional learning practices. I think – or rather I’m trying to think – as long as he can make a living and he’s happy, I will be satisfied. It’s hard to move my mind away from the idea that the only next step after high school is post-secondary education. There are so many more options for my child and I hope I’m open minded enough to support him no matter what.

I haven’t talked to James about my suspicions but I’m sure he’ll agree. As clueless as I am about raising a teenager, he’s even worse. He’s an only child from a middle class family who grew up with a lot of classmates and acquaintances but not a lot of child-age social interaction. He’s not the best help on these things. I’ll talk to him tonight and see what he says but I bet his answer will be: “Whatever you want to do, dear, I’m behind you.”

Isn’t he such a suck?

So that’s my agenda for the week. Nothing too special but hopefully this last week of forced creativity will bring a satisfying end.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday, 20 July 2016

Your Mid-Week Update for 07/20/16

I’m so disappointed in my ability to embarrass my son. Just because he’s 18 does not mean I can’t still scare the living shit out of him around his friends. Or so I thought.

I was genuinely hungry after work yesterday so I decided to stop by his work and pick up a snack. Because I was in a silly mood, I decided to ham it up and play the doting mother. “Oh sweetie, are you getting enough to eat? Are they treating you well? Oh, you look so handsome in your uniform.”

The little shit played along.

He totally embraced the mommy’s boy routine and it was all I could do not to burst out laughing. “Mom, I’m so glad you stopped by, I love seeing you.” He learned from the master of manipulation, and honestly I’m kind of proud. The best part: the young woman behind me ate it up. As soon as I stepped away, she began fawning over him like he was a puppy.

No shame. That is when I started laughing.

The little shit got me, and he got that girl’s number. I asked what happened to Sarah but apparently they’re “taking time apart”. Kids these days. Back in my day

Oh my god I can’t believe I just typed that phrase. I really am getting old. That phrase should never be uttered unironically. Promise me, dear readers.

On to happier topics. You’ve never known true joy until you’ve killed someone with a plunger. It makes this delightful popping noise and combined with screams of pain I was in stitches. I may have kept going after they died just to giggle. It’s a truly hilarious sound. That was my Saturday.

Sunday, I started with a new murder room: The Garage.

Like the kitchen, there are a lot of obvious weapons in there so the idea this week is to get creative.

But I’m definitely using a lawn mower tonight. I haven’t used it in years and it’s just so messy. Remember the wood chipper from a few years ago? It’s like that but more hands on. However, Monday was spent doing a little group project with my husband.

Some men bring flowers home for their wives, my husband brings victims. I think the most romantic thing a man can do is know his wife, not just buy generic gifts. It’s the little things that just say “I’m thinking of you, here’s something I know you’ll enjoy.”

So Monday evening was spent almost entirely in the garage with my husband and a random stranger he kidnapped on his way home. Blond male, early twenties, eager for work. Fish in a barrel. First we left him in the garage with the engine running for him to die of carbon monoxide poisoning. Then we cut up an old mattress and put him in. I’ve been nagging James to get rid of that thing for years and I wonder if he suggested stuffing the body in the mattress so he wouldn’t have to do it himself. Either way, we stitched the mattress up with our victim inside then we drove out of the city to some abandoned field and lit the sucker on fire.

A word of advice if you’re going to light a mattress on fire: bring a lot of kindling. It doesn’t burn as easily as you’d think. The material doesn’t catch well so you need to get it really hot and really spread out in a short period of time or you’ll lose it. And then it just becomes work. When it stops being fun and only requires work, then I just might stop.

Don’t fret, dear readers, I don’t plan on stopping any time soon. This is still an enjoyable pastime for me and my husband. Murder really does bring us together.

That’s my other word of advice: Find something that you and your husband can do together – outside of the bedroom – some activity that you both really enjoy and can engage in. That may seem obvious but I’ve seen couples who get married because they love each other, not because they have anything in common and that makes no sense to me. That’s the groundbreaking notion I’ve learned after 8 years of marriage.

Have something in common with your husband.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday, 13 July 2016

Your Mid-Week Update for 07/13/16

Well, my upstairs bathroom flooded so  I’m venting my frustrations the usual way, with the added bonus of only using items found in the washroom. Which is good because I need to clean out the whole room.

You know, when I said I wanted a little more excitement, I didn’t mean being woken up by a bursting pipe at 3am on a Friday and then spending 7 hours with a man who defines the dirty plumber stereotype. If he wasn’t the cheapest and fastest man I could find at a moment’s notice, I would have slit his throat. At least I wouldn’t have to stare at his asshole while he sat under my sink and crawled around my carpet, alternating between leering at me and telling me he’s “close to finding the problem.”

The problem is you’re a fucking idiot and I could’ve had this fixed in a few hours if I was willing to pay a little extra but instead, I had no running water all weekend and you’re still an idiot.

But in any case, I started killing with bathroom items on Sunday and I’ve only had two opportunities to stretch my legs but they’ve been fun.

My new favourite, which I’ll definitely be coming back to, is a little something called Hydrogen Peroxide. Common household item, I keep it in my medicine cabinet. Drinking the stuff can be lethal – and trust me, it’s been a handy helper over the years – but I tried to administer my poison of choice in a different way. So what if it’s technically cheating my own rule; I was too frustrated to bother with.

Did you know that administering hydrogen peroxide straight into the blood stream creates clots that reach the brain, causing a stroke? If you inject it into their eyeball they’ll scream and run into a wall so hard they cause a concussion on top of the trauma and die from a combination of wounds. Of course, I had to dump a whole bottle into my victim but it created the desired effect and it actually helped me calm down after that god damn, fucking…

Focusing on such a precise activity, like putting a needle into a vein really calmed me down.

Murder is such a precise art. Even when you’re being frantic and messy, you still have to hit bone or skin in a specific way in order to get the desired result. You can explore new ways of getting there (like what I’m doing now) but it’s just another way of getting to the end. As long as brain function stops. The rest is my own personal playground.

My second kill on Monday was a little less convoluted. Well…

How convoluted is ‘death by toilet seat’?

The result of my very frustrating weekend was the need for a new toilet. I ended up with the old one in my trunk and my husband in the passenger seat on our way to the dump. All it took was one little detour and I got to cross something off my list that I never knew was there. “Bludgeoned to death by an old toilet seat”: such a beautiful sentence; and then everything went to the city dump. It was all very quick. But I got to spend a few hours alone with my husband on a murder trip. That was nice. Kind of like the old days. Like our old date nights. A little less handsy but nice.

I think that’s the real indication that we’re getting old. We still want each other but we don’t tease as much. It’s not as reckless and fun. Jason has not been traumatized by us in months. That’s just irresponsible.

You know what? I’m going to go surprise my husband on his lunch break. I refuse to grow old that way. I want to always desire my husband sexually in inappropriate places. If I don’t have that, what else is there but death and destruction?

Alright, I’ll leave you with the image of me taking my husband in the closet of a police station.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday, 6 July 2016

Your Mid-Week Update for 07/06/16

I’m doing it. There’s no stopping now. This month is officially dedicated to experimentation and creativity; and alleviating my “empty nest” rut.

It’s not really a rut. I’m still killing. There’s been no decrease in activity but after last week’s fun little detour in methodology, I’ve decided my new project is to broaden my horizons by forcing myself out of my box.

Every week this month, I’m going to choose a room in my house and I’m going to kill using commonly found objects in that room. You may think this is just a gimmick but I think that the summer is about doing what you love and growing – even as an adult. After over twenty years of this, it never hurts to try something new. I’ve started off with an easy one.

Week one: Kitchen.

Now knives have to be omitted, obviously, but also cookware. It’s too easy to just bludgeon to death the next random stranger I see. This has to require some thought. My first idea was a kettle. Boil some water, splash it on their skin then beat them with it. What I discovered is that I killed the young woman too quickly after the water hit her skin so it hadn’t started to burn or tear. She just had a red-ish tint to her face at time of death. Underwhelming but ultimately successful.

My most recent weapon was a whisk. I was actually kind of hesitant to use this tool because I just could not think of anything.  But for whatever reason, it was the first thing I saw when I left yesterday morning so I vowed to do it.

I really could not tell you what possessed me to choose a whisk other than to torturously challenge myself.

That would actually explain a lot of my choices lately.

Another lovely young woman crossed my path and ultimately, I shoved the weapon down her throat. The utensil blocked her airway and as she struggled, I could see the whisk expanding at the base of her neck until she tore through some of the muscle and ultimately suffocated.

I can honestly say that’s a first.

The thing I’m enjoying most about these experiments is that I’m getting a lot of firsts out of it. After all this time, it’s nice to have a few more firsts under my belt. My next kill won’t be until Friday but I’m trying not to plan ahead too much. Spontaneity can be a blessing or a curse in my line of work. Overthinking things never helps but being cautious is why I’ve lasted as long as I have.

It’s all about balance.

If you have any suggestions for rooms or household items you’d like me to try, please pass them on. Let’s make this a group effort.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe