Jason’s graduation ceremony is tomorrow. This is one of the rare times I am kind of sad my sister can’t be here for Jason. I know he wants her here. He misses his mother and tomorrow is a very big day for him. She took no interest in Sandra’s graduation last year and has no parental claim to Jason other than the fact that she gave birth to him. She’s not coming tomorrow; she hasn’t even tried.
I doubt I will ever be completely satisfied with the situation. I don’t know if you’ve noticed over the years but I am protective of my family. My sister is my closest blood relation and that will never change but she has conducted her life so poorly. As a criminal she was…masterful – someone I have always admired. But as a mother, she abandoned her children, ignored her family’s needs, and now uses her son as a bargaining chip when she wants to guilt her family into anything.
I may be all kinds of twisted and evil but my sister is headed for that special level of hell.
But she’s Jason’s mother and he loves her – or maybe the idea of her. She has something that I have never been able to give him, and I wish I knew what it was. Ever since he was a child, there’s been a disconnect – like he wasn’t entirely here. Sandra always protected him and made sure he was safe and healthy; he ate his vegetables and did his homework, and I was satisfied that Jason was developing into a normal teenage boy. But he lost his mother, and then his sister, and then got told he has a disability – even one as common as ADD – I can’t begin to imagine what’s going in his head.
I wish I could understand why he wants his mother here when he has me; and James – though I couldn’t tell you the status of those boys, they never tell me what goes on when I leave the room. I suppose I’m just being selfish but I sometimes feel rejected by that boy and it breaks my heart.
He’s graduating tomorrow. I know there were days – weeks – when even he thought he might not pass but even without his final exams, he’s going to pass. He’s finally finding a focus in his life and I am so proud of him. But there are days when I wish I could understand him – reach him – and connect the way I did with Sandra. One piece of common ground is all it takes.
I don’t know how many more chances I’ll have with him. For all I know, he could move out tomorrow or he could live with me until he’s 30. But I don’t want to think about that this week. I want to celebrate my son’s high school graduation. And that is what I shall do.
As always, dear readers,