I had a long chat with James about my fears with Jason. We came to the conclusion that we don’t really know what Jason needs but we’re bad parents. Neither of us knew what we were getting into when we started. Raising kids is a lot harder when you actually have to take responsibility for teaching them. That was the biggest learning curve, actually. The difference between “that’s your mother’s problem” and “oh shit, that’s my problem now” was staggering. Do you know how many forms I had to fill out just so a 12 and 14 year old could go to school? No one should have to write out their signature that many times in a month. It’s inhuman. I tell you: we did not know what we were getting into when we agreed to raise two teenagers. And maybe we didn’t raise them. I mean, other than agreeing to train Sandra, what have I ever taught those kids? They came to me pre-loaded with a mind full of ideas and habits that I never nurtured or broke. So yes, I think lack of experience lead to me and James becoming poor parental figures for our children.
But fuck it; I’ve only got a few months left of being a parental guardian then I can wipe my hands of this guilt that I’m suddenly feeling. Whatever happens to Jason, it’s too late to fix it.
Wow. Am I really that cold and unfeeling? I mean towards people I actually care about?
You know what I need? I need a vacation; recharge my batteries and get away from everything. I realized the other day that I haven’t left the country in years.
I don’t remember ever taking the kids on a vacation. Is that normal? To just…not ever leave? It didn’t seem strange until I actually started thinking about it. I’m going to start looking at destinations on my lunch break today.
Any recommendations? I’m thinking…heat.
Maybe I can steam the apathy out of me.
In any case, I have nothing else to report. This week has gone so quickly because absolutely nothing interesting has happened. I made a few kills, nothing special. Work is monotonous and only made excruciating by Heather’s mouth. Nothing special.
Just a normal week.
I really shouldn’t complain. All the shit that my family has gone thought; we deserve a break.
A tropical break.
As always, dear readers,