Wednesday, 29 April 2015

Your Mid-Week Update for 04/29/15

I do apologize for last week. It’s like I wrote it in my sleep. I sort of did, though, so hopefully you can excuse it. James slept on the couch last Tuesday and it rattled me. I haven’t slept alone in a long time and so I…didn’t sleep. I wrote last week’s update at 3 am, exhausted but restless.

I still don’t think he’s quite forgiven me. And he shouldn’t.

I called him Daniel.

We were arguing about how I seem to be distant and unfocused in our marriage lately. And I called him Daniel. So he slept on the couch, and I wrote a sappy update at 3am and then I went to work and Daniel was there with a cup of coffee like he knew I needed it. I told him to fuck off so he left. But then he came back every day with a cup of coffee and I finally realized: his fake feelings aren’t so fake.

Daniel Westburn is in love with me.

I’m free. I’m fucking free.

My home life is in shambles and most of the people at work think that I’m having an affair but I’m free of Daniel. I could kill a man right in front of him and he wouldn’t care. I’m certainly not going to risk it but he didn’t care when I’d killed one of his best friends – well my husband killed that one but it was a serious blow to his team and he brushed it off.

I got a call from my sister on Sunday telling me that it was done so he just lost a family member to this war and the police have yet to come knocking down my door.

I think I am well and truly free of having to look over my shoulder, terrified that he’ll finally find enough evidence to arrest me. I don’t care if he pursues me romantically, I can fight that, no problem. I should probably pay Charlotte a visit and get her take on the situation but for now, I can just focus on my family.

Oh my god.

I’m sorry, it’s just, I feel like I can breathe. It’s still a littler surreal just to tell you, dear readers, that there’s one less thing in my life.

So my children are no longer locked in the basement in case anyone cared – which seemed to be none of you. I’m not sure what that says about you, but you may want to look into that.

Last Sunday, I decided that I would take matters into my own hands with the kids. I told them that we needed to talk openly and honestly about what was going on around the house. They told me screw off but this time I wouldn’t take no for an answer. Tuesday night, after James and I had our…fight. I got very emotional, dragged the kids from their rooms, took their cellphones, and locked them in the basement.

There’s plenty to do in the basement, there’s just no way of communicating with the outside world. They protested for a few hours but by the time they needed to go to school on Thursday, they were ready to concede so I called in sick and told the school they had a family emergency.

I admit, now that this was a horrible way to communicate with my children but sometimes, I’m a horrible person. And incredibly sleep deprived and I hadn’t been taking my medication – I’m back on them now with renewed vigor. It got my kids to talk to me, so that’s good.

I let the kids shower and change and text their friends to let them know they were alright – while I monitored to make sure they didn’t tell them anything serious. James was working a double shift to avoid me so we had the house to ourselves.

And we talked. We talked about the affair, and Jason’s learning disability, and Sandra’s secret university letters, and their trip to visit their mother. We got it all out in the open.

Drastic measures get results.

We were honest with each other, not cutting corners or worrying about each other’s feelings. The only thing that was left out was the serial killer business and the only one who didn’t know was Jason so Sandra and I seem to have come to the same conclusion that knowing one more secret is the last thing that boy needs. But everything else came out, the fake affair to throw a private investigator off my trail after he mistakenly believed that I killed my co-worker; my concerns over Jason’s future and his own concerns that match my own; even Sandra’s desire to keep her acceptance letters a secret because she was worried about my reaction. My calmer self is very proud of her for making the decision to move away and to pursue her interests, while my…less calm self is terrified that my little girl is going off, carrying the family secrets with her. And I told her this. She assured me that she was a part of this family and they were her secrets too, so she’d keep them safe. We even hugged.

And then they told me what happened when they visited their mother.

Remember how I told you that my sister and I were always close and we always looked out for each other because we’re cut from the same cloth? I should have seen this coming.

She told the kids that I turned her in to the police so that I would have custody of them. She told them she was innocent.

I probably – no I definitely – shouldn’t have done it, but I told them the truth. I told them what their mother did to end up in prison and that their grandmother was responsible for putting her there. That’s the one thing I really regret.

They were quiet for a long time, it was sort of frightening. But then Jason hugged me and said that he was glad we’d talked and he went to his room for the rest of the day.

Sandra waited until he was upstairs before coming to sit across from me at the kitchen table. She told me that she believes me and she doesn’t forgive me for the things I’ve done in the past she understands. She’s been having…urges, lately. To hurt people.

That’s what broke me. I cried.

In all my years, I never thought to worry about the kids taking after us. About what would happen if I had to show them the ropes and keep them safe from the authorities. I never wanted to think about it but now that’s all I can focus on. I haven’t even talked to James about it – not that he’d be willing to listen. I’m keeping it from Jason to protect him and his sister but everything else is out in the open now. Which is good. The kids are talking to me again and they haven’t told anyone else about why they were missing for two days.

And I’m free from Daniel but now I have the kids and my husband to focus on and that’s just a huge bucket of shit to wade through.

Pray for me, darlings, pray for me.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday, 22 April 2015

Your Mid-Week Update for 04/22/15

I understand why Daniel’s fake affections are putting me off. And I’ve locked my kids in the basement. Let’s start with the first one.

For the last few weeks Daniel has been more and more…around. He’s been everywhere. And worse than that he’s been attentive and shy – like he was happy to see me but nervous – and in the times that we’ve spoken, he’s been understanding of my need to kill, nonjudgmental; completely different from his usual stance of…well…judgment.

It’s just like when James and I first started dating. That man was wonderful.

He still is, it’s me that’s changed. Back in those days, I had just been promoted at work, the kids were living with my sister but spent a lot of time with me as my sister was usually busy. I could kill a dozen people in a month, feel the hunger and keep it at bay.

And then I met James.

He was the first person to know the truth and love me more. He was the only one. He was understanding and patient with every part of me. He didn’t try to change me, he embraced me: the darkness inside. He didn’t try to put it down. He nurtured it. Everything that I am today is because of Daniel James. James. My James. The man who has been by my side through so much. The man whose wife loves him very much and has made a lot of mistakes lately.

I took for granted that he would always be there and always supportive. And now…

Now I miss us. The way we once were. Daniel has reminded me of how precious that lifestyle is. His new attitude towards me is flattering – I think – but it’s too much. I just have to keep reminding myself of why I’m doing this. Why I need to kill Daniel Westburn.

For him. For my family.

So that no one can hurt them ever again.

Oh, and the kids are currently locked in the basement.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday, 15 April 2015

Your Mid-Week Update for 04/15/15

I am a horrible wife. My anniversary was last Sunday and I completely forgot. I didn’t remember until I was looking at the calendar a few days ago. I thought Daniel James had forgot too as he was working all day but then all last week he was giving me the cold shoulder. I thought it was because of the extra strain but it was just me. Now I know who put the hole in the wall. That’s…something.

I just feel so horrible. I never forget. Seven years of marriage and we have always celebrated together. Last year was a bit of a mess because I was so distracted by my mother’s revelation about my sister’s freedom but at least we were together.

I tried to make it up to him; I apologized and I pleaded, and I offered sexual favors, and to make dinner, and to perform sexual favors while making dinner.

He gave me the finger. Literally.

He threw an index finger at me and walked out of the room.

I was stunned for a moment, but then I threw it in the garburator – even if he’s mad at me, he knows better than to leave evidence lying around – and I went after him.

James surprised me by killing Ronnie the Roommate as an anniversary present. He knew that I was having problems getting around on my crutches and that Ronnie had to die before my sister killed Daniel’s cousin so he did it for me. He was going to give me the finger on our anniversary but I forgot. It’s the sweetest gift anyone has ever given me and I fucked it up. I have to do something, I have to make it up to him.

Daniel didn’t make the situation any better. Once I knew about Ronnie the Roommate, I wondered why Daniel hadn’t confronted me sooner. I knew he would have heard about it right away. So I went to the house and chatted with Charlotte until Daniel came home from work – apparently he still has a real job. We went somewhere private to talk and he reacted to the news… but not in the way I expected.

He kissed me sweetly and told me he didn’t care.

He said that he’d heard the news about his old college roommate and he didn’t care because he could forgive anything I do. And then he sort of cupped my chin and he kissed me really softly; like he cared.

The bastard is trying to get in my head the same way I was trying to get in his. And it’s kind of working. Fresh off of my fight with James – which wasn’t really a fight since he barely spoke two words, he just stared at me – this new side of Daniel is really messing with my emotions. I will not let him take control of the situation. I won’t. I have enough things to worry about other than Daniel’s weird manipulation tactics. As long as I keep reminding myself of the truth, then I’ll be fine.

Meanwhile the kids still aren’t talking to me and my new temp is trying to bore me to death – which is not a method I’ve tried before and I definitely never will. I can’t believe I’m actually looking forward to Heather coming back from a holidays. Just a few more days of this torture. I take back what I said about keeping her name on file in case I need her again; she’s going on the flammable list. I’m gonna test that shit out soon if she keeps it up like this.

And speaking of perfectly justified reactions, I think it might be time to take some drastic measures to get my children back to normal. I’ll have to keep you updated on that front. This stalemate can’t go on forever.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday, 8 April 2015

Your Mid-Week Update for 04/08/15

God bless scheming jail bird sisters. Especially when they stay behind bars. As I suspected, she wants something out of the kids; something she wouldn’t tell me. She just says “it’s a family affair”.


She may have given birth to them but I am their mother and she will not take them away from me. No matter the cost. They are my children and I will do whatever it takes to keep them.

Until that day comes my sister has agreed to uphold her end of the bargain. She’s agreed to kill Daniel’s cousin within the month. All I have to do now is keep my enemies close at hand. The last thing I need is to be surprised by Daniel’s next move. James and I both agree that the best course of action is to keep Daniel off his game. Whatever he knows about me, it can only mean trouble.

Sometimes I wish that Charlotte was in on this scheme so that I could get real information out of her. But I also like having a friend outside of all this drama. Someone I’m not just using. I mean, yes, I started out that way but now she’s…dear to me. Four months of friendship and she is dear to me.

Daniel can’t know that.

His cousin’s death will be the perfect distraction but until then, I’m going to have to let him get closer without letting him know anything real about me. James’ brilliant solution to seduce Daniel seemed like such a great idea at the time. Unfortunately, my kids are jerks.

Jason is still blackmailing me, Sandra has gotten letters from Universities but she won’t let me see them; it sucks. I tried to sit down and have a talk with them over the weekend but they both told me to just fuck off so…I’m going to let them have their space. That’s the right course of action, isn’t it, readers? Because I don’t have an alternative right now.

I’m back at work but Heather doesn’t come back for another two weeks so I still have to put up with this temp. You know? She’s not horrible. I completely forgot that I was supposed to train her…whenever it was she started; she picked it up all on her own. She’s actually better than Heather – who, for all her faults, is great at her job. The downside? She has the personality of flour. Dry, dull, highly flammable. The third one I haven’t tested yet but I’m assuming. I’m going to keep her name on file. Just in case.

Just in case I need to use her again – not just in case I need to see if she’s flammable; I have other people for that.

God, I miss random murders. Sometimes I’ll look back on past updates cataloguing my various sprees and I miss the old days. I think James does too. He hasn’t said anything but I know he doesn’t like having Daniel around. And I know he had to take on extra shifts to make up for our financial loss over the summer – medical bills, some damaged property – and we never really caught up. Insurance doesn’t pay for all my medication and last week I found a fist-shaped hole in one of the basement walls. I don’t know who did it but that’s just one more thing to fix.

I don’t mind talking about the marital problems that I have – because they are so rare – but this one feels different. I can’t remember the last time I had an intimate conversation with him but I see him every day. I miss him.

This just confirms what I keep reminding myself: Daniel needs to be eliminated. He’s the reason everything is going to shit and so I’m going to make him pay.

I can’t lose sight of what’s important.

Don’t let me forget why I’m doing all this.

I have to keep my family together.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday, 1 April 2015

Your Mid-Week Update for 04/01/15

Daniel has been around more and more lately. Not just his usual stalker thing. He came in for coffee on Thursday before I left for work. Sandra had an early morning and Jason was sleeping in so it was just the three of us. And it was awkward to say the least. More so than our usual encounters. He was quiet, and attentive, and he kept glaring at James when his back was turned. It was weird. Maybe it has something to do with that “business trip” he went on. I still don’t know what happened. Either way, he was gone before Jason came downstairs but barely. I dread thinking about what will happen if those two meet.

When those two meet. Apparently it’s inevitable.

He’s been spending more time outside the house. More than just his usual nighttime stalking. He was there when I left for work on Monday and he was there when I came home.

Yesterday I saw him in the parking lot of my office. I’m getting scared.

I think he might have caught a lead or something and he’s waiting for me to slip up. He’s trying to rattle me.

Or maybe I’m just being paranoid again. Ugh. It’s time to call Dr. Owlface again. I’ve reduced our sessions to once a month but he’s still prescribing medication.

Which…I haven’t been taking.

James found out last week and we had this ridiculous fight about how I’m impeding my recovery and how I don’t seem to care. We made up before we went to bed but I still haven’t been taking the pills.

They help, I know they do. But I just can’t stand having to take them because I’m weak.

Only sick people take medication and I am not sick. I promise.

Apparently I’m just paranoid.

No. I’m not paranoid because he was outside my office on Tuesday and he has been following me around more lately. I’m not crazy. Daniel’s up the ante which means he knows something. Something more.

It’s time for a pre-emptive strike.

It’s time for another visit to my sister.

Maybe she’ll be willing to tell me what she and the kids did last week. They certainly aren’t. It can’t be that bad.

What if it was that good? What if they’re thinking about moving out, moving closer to their mother? One word to Social Services and my sister could get her kids back in some small way.

After all I’ve done for them. Protected them, raised them.

They wouldn’t leave me.

Although, the way we’ve been lately; maybe they would.

I won’t let them. I won’t.

They can’t leave me.

I couldn’t bear it.

If they chose her over me. It’d kill me, I know it.

I have to talk to my sister.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe