I do apologize for last week. It’s like I wrote it in my sleep. I sort of did, though, so hopefully you can excuse it. James slept on the couch last Tuesday and it rattled me. I haven’t slept alone in a long time and so I…didn’t sleep. I wrote last week’s update at 3 am, exhausted but restless.
I still don’t think he’s quite forgiven me. And he shouldn’t.
I called him Daniel.
We were arguing about how I seem to be distant and unfocused in our marriage lately. And I called him Daniel. So he slept on the couch, and I wrote a sappy update at 3am and then I went to work and Daniel was there with a cup of coffee like he knew I needed it. I told him to fuck off so he left. But then he came back every day with a cup of coffee and I finally realized: his fake feelings aren’t so fake.
Daniel Westburn is in love with me.
I’m free. I’m fucking free.
My home life is in shambles and most of the people at work think that I’m having an affair but I’m free of Daniel. I could kill a man right in front of him and he wouldn’t care. I’m certainly not going to risk it but he didn’t care when I’d killed one of his best friends – well my husband killed that one but it was a serious blow to his team and he brushed it off.
I got a call from my sister on Sunday telling me that it was done so he just lost a family member to this war and the police have yet to come knocking down my door.
I think I am well and truly free of having to look over my shoulder, terrified that he’ll finally find enough evidence to arrest me. I don’t care if he pursues me romantically, I can fight that, no problem. I should probably pay Charlotte a visit and get her take on the situation but for now, I can just focus on my family.
Oh my god.
I’m sorry, it’s just, I feel like I can breathe. It’s still a littler surreal just to tell you, dear readers, that there’s one less thing in my life.
So my children are no longer locked in the basement in case anyone cared – which seemed to be none of you. I’m not sure what that says about you, but you may want to look into that.
Last Sunday, I decided that I would take matters into my own hands with the kids. I told them that we needed to talk openly and honestly about what was going on around the house. They told me screw off but this time I wouldn’t take no for an answer. Tuesday night, after James and I had our…fight. I got very emotional, dragged the kids from their rooms, took their cellphones, and locked them in the basement.
There’s plenty to do in the basement, there’s just no way of communicating with the outside world. They protested for a few hours but by the time they needed to go to school on Thursday, they were ready to concede so I called in sick and told the school they had a family emergency.
I admit, now that this was a horrible way to communicate with my children but sometimes, I’m a horrible person. And incredibly sleep deprived and I hadn’t been taking my medication – I’m back on them now with renewed vigor. It got my kids to talk to me, so that’s good.
I let the kids shower and change and text their friends to let them know they were alright – while I monitored to make sure they didn’t tell them anything serious. James was working a double shift to avoid me so we had the house to ourselves.
And we talked. We talked about the affair, and Jason’s learning disability, and Sandra’s secret university letters, and their trip to visit their mother. We got it all out in the open.
Drastic measures get results.
We were honest with each other, not cutting corners or worrying about each other’s feelings. The only thing that was left out was the serial killer business and the only one who didn’t know was Jason so Sandra and I seem to have come to the same conclusion that knowing one more secret is the last thing that boy needs. But everything else came out, the fake affair to throw a private investigator off my trail after he mistakenly believed that I killed my co-worker; my concerns over Jason’s future and his own concerns that match my own; even Sandra’s desire to keep her acceptance letters a secret because she was worried about my reaction. My calmer self is very proud of her for making the decision to move away and to pursue her interests, while my…less calm self is terrified that my little girl is going off, carrying the family secrets with her. And I told her this. She assured me that she was a part of this family and they were her secrets too, so she’d keep them safe. We even hugged.
And then they told me what happened when they visited their mother.
Remember how I told you that my sister and I were always close and we always looked out for each other because we’re cut from the same cloth? I should have seen this coming.
She told the kids that I turned her in to the police so that I would have custody of them. She told them she was innocent.
I probably – no I definitely – shouldn’t have done it, but I told them the truth. I told them what their mother did to end up in prison and that their grandmother was responsible for putting her there. That’s the one thing I really regret.
They were quiet for a long time, it was sort of frightening. But then Jason hugged me and said that he was glad we’d talked and he went to his room for the rest of the day.
Sandra waited until he was upstairs before coming to sit across from me at the kitchen table. She told me that she believes me and she doesn’t forgive me for the things I’ve done in the past she understands. She’s been having…urges, lately. To hurt people.
That’s what broke me. I cried.
In all my years, I never thought to worry about the kids taking after us. About what would happen if I had to show them the ropes and keep them safe from the authorities. I never wanted to think about it but now that’s all I can focus on. I haven’t even talked to James about it – not that he’d be willing to listen. I’m keeping it from Jason to protect him and his sister but everything else is out in the open now. Which is good. The kids are talking to me again and they haven’t told anyone else about why they were missing for two days.
And I’m free from Daniel but now I have the kids and my husband to focus on and that’s just a huge bucket of shit to wade through.
Pray for me, darlings, pray for me.
As always, dear readers,