I’ve found myself in this odd state of December where I want to get into the holiday spirit but it’s just not clicking. I’m listening to the music, watching the movies – I’ve seen so many versions of a Christmas Carol, I’m beginning to side with Scrooge. Ba humbug.
I was right: a few kills made me feel better. Or at least they released some endorphins and gave the illusion of happiness. And that’s all we can really hope for isn’t it?
First there was the Snow White and her seven drunk suitors. I came across her trying to leave a bar on Thursday night. She was trying to leave the bar, not me – I think I’ve officially outgrown clubbing. Surrounding this poor 20-something girl were seven men all lined up around the outside of the bar, all trying to get her to go home with them. It was pathetic; so I stepped in and pretended to be her aunt to get her out of there. Once we were a few blocks away, we stopped to hide in an alley just to make sure we hadn’t been followed. The coast was clear so she thanked me profusely and we went our separate ways. Or so she thought. I watched her for a few blocks and then started following her. Stalking is such an ugly word but yes, I stalked her until she realized what I was doing and stopped to confront me on the corner of a deserted street. I told her that she’d dropped her wallet when we escaped and when she turned to check, I stabbed her in the neck with a screw driver. She bled out in the alley I dragged her into and her body was found the next morning.
Then there was The Headless Horsemen (a story which is a little on the nose but it’s still awesome). A man, driving his motorcycle way too late at night in a residential area, lost his head when a concerned citizen removed it with a chainsaw for disturbing her sleep. Of course she killed him in a cemetery where his engine was loud enough to wake the dead. Perhaps it did…
And finally, there was Harry Potter and the Cracked Skull.
I was very focused on the head and neck region this week. Huh.
Anyway, there was a man taking his sweet time walking around the mall where I was doing my Christmas shopping. He would constantly swerve in and out as I tried to pass him; and he walked so slow. Which is just careless. Spatial awareness is so important when you are in a crowded space. It’s just annoying when don’t keep up with the pace of the crowd around you. So of course as he was heading to the washroom, I bumped into him and he happened to hit his head on the tile and I happened to smash his head against the stall door until his skull was cracked and he died from brain damage within the hour – so my husband told me. I often enjoy getting my hands dirty but it means I rely more heavily on my husband to cover it up. Forensics science has greatly improved since I started this. Of course they haven’t caught up to me but they get better each year.
And so do I.
I was listening to the news on my way to work yesterday and they said that our city has the highest homicide and accidental death rate in the continent. And this is a major city. The crowds make it easy to do my job but I couldn’t help feeling a sense of pride when I heard that announcement. Not only do they not know who I am, but they mention nothing of serial murder; they don’t even know all of these killings are related.
Okay, now I’m starting to get into the Christmas spirit.
Speaking of Christmas spirit.
Heather got smashed at the company Christmas party on Saturday and she revealed a little something to our table: her husband didn’t actually ask to join in when he caught her cheating. He’s divorcing her. I feel so satisfied. She’s just a horrible person. I’ve been laughing for days; especially when she showed up on Monday morning and begged me not to tell anyone else.
Why would I tell anyone when I can use it as blackmail? She cares so much about her reputation at work, it’d be a sin not to exploit it.
So Heather is sated and quiet and I’m finally coming into the overwhelming feeling of joy and fulfillment that comes with the holidays.
Thank you, readers, for helping me work through that. I’m feeling a lot better.
As always, dear readers,