This has been a very fun and hectic week so forgive me if I forget some things. There have been a lot of changes going on in my house and we’re all still in transition as it were.
For starters: James moved back into the bedroom and everyone knows it so Sunday morning was filled with knowing looks and little winks and nudges over the breakfast table.
We didn’t even have sex!
God, I never thought I’d be having this argument with my readers. We just cuddled like we were sixteen again, even though we were never sixteen together. I sometimes wonder if we’d still be together if we were high school sweethearts, or college lovers. I think sometimes fiction forgets that love doesn’t happen in specific locations. There isn’t just the school crush or the office romance. There’s the crazy random happenstance where you bump into them on the street and just click. I suppose in our case it wasn’t as random.
We always tell people the truth when they ask how we met – except we leave out the fact that I was guilty – and it always freaks people out. But I think people find the romance in just about anything if they try hard enough. And yes, there is intimacy and connection to be found in murder but I don’t think people understand the entire story.
Sometimes murder is a family affair. Such is the case with my daughter.
My darling daughter Sandra has been coming to me all week with questions. At first they were personal questions about how I got started, how I really met James (she now loves our story, by the way), what my methods were. Then the questions started to become a little more specific: questions about how to get bloodstains out of white shirts – there’s a trick to it – and the best ways to dispose of a body. She’s promised me that she won’t kill without talking to me but she’s definitely getting ready for something. She hasn’t told me about any urges but she’s coming to me in person instead of texting or calling – such a smart girl – so there are days when she has lists of questions she’s gathered throughout the day while I’m at work.
On Monday she actually came and visited me at work – I keep forgetting that she’s off school for the summer – we spent my lunch hour talking about murder – my favourites, my words of advice on not getting caught – and we even talked about school and her social life a bit. She admitted that she’s been a little lax in handing in assignments for the last few weeks because she’s been so distracted and her friends are starting to worry about her but now that she has someone to talk to, she thinks that she’ll get better.
I certainly hope so, creating that outside persona is not something I can teach her, she has to learn that part on her own – sometimes the hard way.
Did I ever tell you about the first guy I ever told?
I met him in my first year of university; there was some weird technicality and I lost my spot in res which meant that I had to either move back home or find someone to move in with. I wasn’t really determined to drive for three hours every day so I met a guy at a party, got him really drunk, and convinced him to sign me into his lease. There was a lot of yelling afterwards but eventually he was okay with it. In fact, we kind of started dating. This was back in the days when I was still learning the ropes of murder – one or two victims a month sort of thing – and so of course I slipped up and didn’t completely clean the blood off of our kitchen knife. I thought I could trust him, so I told him the truth. He freaked out and ran to find a phone to call the police. So I used the knife to shut him up. And that’s how I got a great apartment during my time at university at a discounted rate – landlords can be very understanding when you play the grieving, emotional girlfriend.
After that, there was no one serious until James. I knew that trusting a man completely would be difficult so I just didn’t take the relationship further than a few months.
At least I’ve never – seriously – considered murdering James. That’s real love. That’s real trust.
I hope that someday Sandra finds someone she can really trust. It will do her a world of good to feel like she’s not alone. Until then – and I’ve told her this – her social life is going to become a delicate balancing act between the person she is and the person she wants people to think she is.
If she’s going to indulge in her urges then she needs to deal with the consequences. She won’t really understand that until she has to face those consequences but for now I think she realizes that she chose the hard path. But it’ll be rewarding in the long run if it helps with her inner peace.
For me, I think this will be my chance to make up for the mistakes that I’ve made. I’ll make sure that she doesn’t become addicted the way I did. She won’t ever have to deal with what I went through last summer, I won’t let her.
This is my chance – this is my family’s chance – to really bond and become a closer.
I know that I was worried about Sandra, I’m still worried, but now that she’s here, I’m not going to miss this opportunity.
We’re going to be great.
As always, dear readers,