I think I would look awesome with a regal cane. Plus it’d be really fun to bash people’s heads in. I think my urges are coming back.
I’ve been thinking about murder a lot lately. Ever since my last update, actually. Sometimes I look back on the last year of my life and I miss the way it used to be. Life before Daniel, before that woman, before I got careless.
I concede just this once to my own failings I got cocky and it cost me three months of my life. I think, back when it happened…I wasn’t thinking. I was just killing. Which is fun, but I could have been caught. I prided myself on being nonchalant with my murders but I hit too close to home – or work, as it were. I’ve learned from my mistakes, I’m more cautious and I’m trying to be more patient. But the urges are still there. I can feel them gnawing at the nape of my neck.
Sometimes on a whim, I can feel a pulse; it’s the cravings. I quit killing out of necessity not desire and my subconscious will not let it go. I haven’t told Dr. Owlface or even James because I am getting better. I am learning to control the urges and to take my time. The last thing I need is to make Daniel suspicious.
Not that he’s paying much attention to my extra-curricular activities at the moment. He’s still avoiding me after Kiss #2 and I would find it adorable if I wasn’t so pissed off with him.
Guess who sent an anonymous tip to the police suggesting that I knew the poor mechanic I killed last week. I had to go down – before calling James – and speak to a detective regarding my relationship with the deceased. It was easy enough to prove my innocence and the arrival of my police officer husband did not hurt my reputation. But it was still a hit below the belt and for that, he pays.
Daniel knows that this means war; at least he will soon.
When James was doing his background check, we discovered that he has a cousin – it’s always a cousin – who is spending some time in prison. The same prison my sister is currently occupying.
Guess who’s going to have a little family reunion?
Oh and the thing I said about controlling my urges? Maybe it’s time to let loose a little. Just enough to stop the gnawing. Quiet the demons.
It might be fun. Until that time, however, I get to sit and worry. I especially get to worry about Jason’s appointment next month. The one that will tell us whether or not I need to pick up more parenting books on the way home.
You know, when the kids first came to live with me, I bought 12 books on how to communicate with your teenager, and how to be your child’s best friend. It all turned out to be bullshit but I remember being in this constant state of panic for at least the first year before we settled into our family unit as sparse and restless as it is.
I hate feeling like that again.
It’s just a new situation and you know I hate what I can’t control things at least by some measure. All
I can do now is wait.
Lord have mercy.
As always, dear readers,