Wednesday, 30 April 2014

Your Mid-Week Update for 04/30/14

I have nothing to report this week, dear readers, except for the fact that I am writing this with a British accent.

I may also be very drunk.

In the last six days I’ve impaled my kids’ security guard, and poisoned Heather’s cousin Janet so that my bloody assistant would leave me alone for a few days. I’m quite proud of my spontaneity but I may have taken one of those kills too far.

Because no one is safe anymore, not even at school, my children apparently need more and more security – not that it seems to be doing them any good. I managed to walk all the way through the school, impale the security guard with a prop sword – which is a messy task, by the way…in case you were thinking about it – and walk away without anyone stopping me or even seeing me. I fear for my niece and nephew’s safety.

I killed him for good reason, mind you. He was extremely rude to Sandra when she forgot her lanyard – because the best way to keep track of high school children is to tag them and force them to walk around with a name tag – and made her pay a ridiculous fine out of her own pocket. He treated them like children and insisted that he’s “keeping them safe”. I’m assuming the school saw the error of his ways because at the vigil today, the principal announced that Administration and the Board of Education were entering into talks about how to better protect their children since there were flaws in their current systems.

For my dear readers who have children in public school: you’re welcome.

Now I know you’re probably wondering how I took it “too far”: it was perfectly executed – mostly – I got away with it in a semi-public location, what could possibly have gone wrong?

Children. Children are always the answer to that question.

This time it wasn’t really my children, though. According to my now very quiet nephew the security guard’s body was discovered by two fourteen year old girls who went to get props out of the closet. They’re now traumatized beyond reason so the school brought in grief counsellors and let them loose on the classrooms of impressionable children.

They called me a monster. At least that’s what the children tell me. They came home excited about all the things that had happened at school; how they had a short day and even that was made short by an extensive visit by a child psychologist who talked about the horrible things that I, as the killer, had done and how no one deserves to die in such a horrible way.

Clearly they’ve never met that man who cut me off on the highway last month.

In any case, the parents were required to come to the vigil today, to support their children in this difficult time – I snort. They offered champagne. I drank. James drove home. I’m writing this. Then I think it’ll be time for a nap.

I mean, how can they possibly call me a monster? I did that school a favor. If I can walk in how many lunatics and perverts can just walk into that school? They should be thanking me. Instead there’s just another police investigation and a warrant out for my arrest – as the ‘yet-to-be-determined’ Security Guard Stabber.

Yeah, that’s my name now. Apparently.

I overheard one of the news stations today, doing their report and they gave me a name – for the one murder they think I committed.

You understand now why I drank a little more than was totally acceptable for a high school function?
Thought so.

I guess I had a few things to report.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

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