Wednesday, 22 March 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 03/22/17

You’d think that at my age I’d be able to confront conflict and acknowledge emotion but at heart I’m still a twenty year old who has no idea how to find a real balance and happiness with life.

Which is why I’m having such a problem telling Heather that she needs to get off my fucking couch.

I am happy to support my friend in a hobby that we both seem to share but it’s time. It’s god damn time she went home and dealt with the fact that she murdered her husband and I’ve been doing all the hard work. I cleaned her house, I reported him missing, I filed all of her paperwork so she could sit on my couch moping for weeks on end. She needs to start doing something productive. And that starts with her sleeping in own bed at home by the end of this week.

I have no other priorities other than getting Heather off my god damn couch by Friday night. Or so help me there will be another murder.

She got toothpaste on the counter and didn’t clean it up. I know that’s an incredibly minor thing but it’s on a list of 400 other minor things that she’s done in the past month to piss me off. She left an empty milk cartoon in the fridge, she’s stopped folding up the blankets on the couch, on more than one occasion she’s “accidentally” walked into my room without knocking. It’s like living with a frat boy and I’m over it.

The boys have been ready for her to leave for a while now but I’ve defended her because she’s my friend and apparently murder is traumatic but now she’s just pissing me off.

I’ve thought about how to approach her and I’ve narrowed it down to two approaches: “Get over it and get out!” or “Hey Heather, I thought we’d drive by your house today and pick up your mail.”

Like I said: the emotional stability of a twenty-year-old. I’d like to go with the latter but something tells me I’m going to end up shouting the former on Friday afternoon before she leaves work.

I promise that’s not my plan but realistically, that’s what’s going to happen.

That’s not my intention but it will happen.

I’m a bad person sometimes.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday, 15 March 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 03/15/17

I opened the letter – of course I did. Curiosity finally got the better of me around 4am on Friday morning when I was up thinking about my life to this date. When we had career day in elementary school, I never would have guessed I’d end up with a loving husband, a fucked up child, a deranged woman living on my couch, and two equally murderous jobs.

It’s a copy of her college entrance essay. I’m not going to share it but it was very well written and a very moving piece about her family and her personal experiences. It was 1000 words that made it feel like Sandra was sitting beside me. But I was right: knowing what was in the letter brought back emotions that didn’t need to be addressed at 4am on a Friday. Now I’m just tired and distracted but ultimately quiet.

I don’t like it. I hate feeling mildly out of control.

There’s nothing…there’s nothing else.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday, 8 March 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 03/08/17

Things have officially settled. I hesitate to say it because optimism undoubtedly leads to tragedy. It is the arrogance of hope. If I’ve taught you anything in all our years together it’s that arrogance will get you killed. So when I say that things have settled, I worry about jinxing the situation but at the same time, I need to tell you that the situation in my household has reached a plateau and I’m happy about it.

James’ busy schedule has seemed to reach a middle ground where he only works nights three times a week and I actually get to sleep with my husband. It’s not about having sex with him; it’s about the comfort of sleeping next to him. It’s a weird habit where I like sharing in the warmth and touch that we provide each other. I’ve always been used to his unusual hours and having to sleep alone on occasion but the last few months, he’s been working the late shift more and more often. I know it’s because he’s working through his promotion and the late hours are so he can keep me safe which is why I never complain…to his face. I can rant and whine to you all I damn well please. So long as James never learns how selfish I am. But he’s back so I have no reason to complain about it more than I already have today.

Jason is also back to a normal schedule. He’s sleeping more and going to work every day. I even found the courage to ask him about college the other day. I didn’t push him to go to school after his father’s death – and the school was very accommodating when I phrased it so generally – but he’s bee back at school for over a month now and I’m worried about what his future plans are. I know his grades aren’t the best but he has a specialized interest and that has to drive him to do something productive. I hope. I know I shouldn’t push him but it’s alright because he answered me honestly. He doesn’t know. He still has a lot of the same interests but Andrew made him think about what else life has to offer. I will respect his wishes – whether or not they involve college – I want him to be okay. Whether or not I agree with his methods he is working towards that.

Heather is not working towards this coveted “okay” stasis. She is, she’s just going about it very differently. She came back to work full time on Monday and even sassed me which is a very excellent thing. But she’s grown quieter around the other girls in the office – especially Lydia. She’s been ignoring her the past two days and kept her head down whenever people come to my office. She’s still working efficiently and responds with a generally snarky tone whenever someone talks to her; but she’s not instigating conversation. It’s perfectly reasonable to me that she needs a little time to readjust to this much social interaction but I still count it as a win: Heather is sitting at her desk acting like a judgemental bitch and getting everyone’s work done.

Which brings me to…myself. I feel tired all the time. I’m eating a little healthier – since Heather insisted on grocery shopping with me – she’s still living on my couch but I don’t mind it. I’m content. Until I was cleaning out my office desk last night. I do it about every five years and it’s mostly just to shred my outdated paperwork. I found a letter from Sandra in my top drawer. It hadn’t been opened and I don’t remember putting it in there so I assume Sandra slipped it in when I wasn’t looking. I haven’t read it yet. It could be nothing. But it could also be something very important.

If I never open it then I’ll never have to know if Sandra had even more secrets that she never shared.

I’ll get to remember her the way I want to.

Besides, things are going well now. No need to stir up the past.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday, 1 March 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 03/01/17

I have to keep this brief, I still have blood in my fingernails and it’s going to take forever to clean them out before work. I’ve seen people spurt blood from their neck in movies and I’ve seen them gush in real life, but this was a whole new level. Tweezers were not supposed to be the most dangerous weapon I used in my career and yet it was surprisingly useful for a close-up kill. Because it doesn’t just poke a hole or slice in a thin line; it’s an open, gapping chunk of neck that just doesn’t stop – hence why I was so unprepared for how much cleanup would be involved. It was a gift from my husband so how could I refuse? He brought me this sweet young woman who was walking home from a bad break up and just needed some company. She was actually very company. She was normal and had normal problems like a sexist boss, and an insensitive ex-boyfriend, and car payments that were clashing with her student loan payments. We had a very nice chat before I killed her. I’d forgotten how nice it is to just sit and talk with someone. It was a nice reminder that the world keeps going and you can move on. Things will get back to normal.

Heather is coming back to work next week. Her mousey temp has been fine but she’s no Heather. I’ve always liked Heather’s work ethic, that’s nothing new, so it stands to reason that when she’s not around I miss her. I still can’t believe I let myself get this attached to my secretary but that’s a whole other problem.

Now I really need to go and scrub before work.

It’s always the little things that will get you.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 22 February 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 02/22/17

I haven’t had a girls night – a proper girls night – since I was in my twenties. Of course, I’ve never maintained friendships very long because they either die or move on. But when I did, I enjoyed the occasional night of wine and ranting. Sometimes living the stereotype is just fun.

There was one woman, Emma, who persisted especially long. She was extremely outspoken and tended to get very touchy when she was drunk but there was something about her that I found endearing. Perhaps it was her brutal honesty but she’s one who I never – or rarely – thought about killing. That was a startling realization. Since I began my murder spree, I’m continuously looking for a new people to kill and who better than your friends when you’re in need of a boost? Another reason why my friends never last long; why would I invest in a relationship I’m seeking to end?

Heather was another rare exception wherein I imagined her death on almost a weekly basis but she wormed her way into my heart and now she’s too valuable to kill. I mention this because Heather asked me out for drinks “like old times” as if we’ve been going out forever – and that it’s been such a long time since we’ve seen each other. Regardless, I said yes. At this point, I am so anxious for everything to turn transition back to something normal.

On a side note, I am officially a mass murderer hunted by the local police – soon to be federal case, so my husband says. I hate being sought after because it means I need to be unreasonably careful. Not that I’ve gotten many opportunities to kill this week. It’s slowly getting noisier in my house and I can finally breathe.

Jason is starting therapy next week. I may not agree with his decision but I’ll be damned if I don’t support my son in his endeavors. Heather and I went out for drinks on Friday and it was fine. Just fine. Nothing crazy happened and no secrets were revealed. I got her caught up on work gossip, told her about the mousey new temp and encouraged her to come in to as many normal business hours as she could muster so that her  end of med leave wouldn’t be such a shock. So far she’s driven into work with me on Monday and Tuesday and I have hope for today. She’s getting better, Jason’s getting better, I’m…fine.

I know some of you have been wondering about my sister’s birthday dinner last week. I’d say it deserves its own update but I really don’t want to talk about it.


She didn’t fucking show up!

I set up this dinner, arranged it with her PO and emotionally prepared everyone in the house for any eventuality and she didn’t even show up.

“Oops. I forgot.”

She’s the one who asked for this dinner.

I can’t stand her some days – most days. I’m apparently still frustrated at something I should have already known. My sister is an extremely selfish person.

I can’t completely cut myself off from her – she’s my sister – but I can be frustrated.

So I’m frustrated.

And now I’m frustrated for the day ahead because I’ve been talking about the people in my life.

I wonder what ever happened to Emma?

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 15 February 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 02/15/17

Well, Valentine’s Day was both a successful break and a total bust. I haven’t been out to kill in several weeks now and I could feel the anxiety coming on. I’ve gotten quite good at curbing my natural violent urges but that doesn’t mean I can just stop cold turkey for such a long period of time. I was getting antsy and James could see that.

How he saw it is beyond me – considering he’s barely home these days – but I’m not complaining. I’m just curious. I know that he’s working these extra hours to keep his family safe and work towards his promotion but my god, I have gone to bed without him so many times this month, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to sleep next to him. He’s got a blanket and pillow set up near the living room couch so he “doesn’t have to disturb me”. It’s frustrating.

Regardless of my feelings, James noticed that I was getting claustrophobic and offered me a very thoughtful Valentine’s gift: he babysat Heather while I went out to kill. Such a sweet gesture. However, I was really looking forward to spending some quality time with my husband on the one day we have an excuse to be romantic. But, I still accepted his gesture and went out for an evening of self-indulgence.

After last night, I may have been too desperate to make up for lost time. I think I can officially call myself a mass murderer. I’ll have to look  it up to be sure but I believe it’s just the killing of three or more people over a short period of time (an evening). At least I enjoyed myself. I got home and passed out from exhaustion but I had a good time. One happy coupe and a drunk frat boy later, and I call it a successful but frustrating Valentine’s Day.

I feel horrible, though, because James spent his romantic holiday with a slightly manic depressive murderer. Last week, I decided enough was enough and sat Heather down to talk to her about her behavior. I told her enough was enough and she needed to start moving on. I may have been harsh but I just couldn’t take it anymore. She was moaning around the house at all hours, barely speaking, or sleeping. It was too much to handle. I clearly care less about her well-being than I do my son’s so I feel no guilt or shame in physically shaking a woman out of her hysteria. She crumpled to the floor and cried for an hour before getting up, showering and sitting down at the dinner table with the rest of us. She’s been quiet but responsive and going about normal duties. She even said she’ll go back to work soon.

Except Heather is now on extended medical leave – all thanks to her very understanding supervisor – which means she is automatically off work until at least the end of the month. Of course this means I need to find a temporary secretary, a fact which I have been dreading. I always hate my temps. I hate teaching them, I hate coddling them. I’m going to bring Heather in to train her temp and I’m hoping that having a focus will help with her recovery.

That last bit of business I should tell you about is my sister. Her birthday is on tomorrow and I, in my infinite wisdom, invited her over for dinner tonight. I told her I want to celebrate everything she’s accomplished in the last few months but really I want to check in on her. Honestly, I haven’t thought about my sister in weeks – I’ve been a little busy – and have no idea what’s going on in her life and if I need to worry about her. I’m kind of hoping having her around will be a calm reprieve from the chaos of the month and a half.

Or maybe she’ll make it worse, who knows.

I’ll keep you updated.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 8 February 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 02/08/17

You know it’s too cold out when even I don’t want to go out and kill. Winter is such a tumultuous time in my line of work. On one hand, it’s too easy. People can die of exposure and fatal car accidents with little effort; on the other hand, frost bite. I like the snow and ice that accompany the bitter weather. I can use snow and ice and still complain about it to my coworkers. The cold, biting air is just a nuisance. A dangerous nuisance.

I couldn’t get my car to start yesterday and Ron said I could work from home which was nice because I hated the idea of braving that weather. However, working from home meant that I got to spend the whole day with my two maudlin serial killers.

In case you haven’t quite grasped my situation, both my son and my secretary/friend have killed someone and I have had to clean up after them. The truly tragic thing is that Heather has killed more recently than I have. Because I’ve been so busy cleaning up her mess. It’s been two weeks and she hasn’t left my house. She spent the first two days curled up on my couch not speaking, or eating, or sleeping. And then she spent a week shuffling around the house, switching between screaming and shaking, and crying and eating. I spent $200 on groceries last week because she just kept eating. And her screaming was barely coherent.  She’s officially on medical leave (courtesy of her very understanding boss) which isn’t far from the truth.

I got the full story out of her last week which is what I expected happened. Her ex-husband ran out of money, got drunk, and decided to take her back forcefully. He beat her and demanded that she quit her job so they could move. After all their years of turmoil – fighting, and leaving, and her cheating, and him cheating – she just snapped. She killed him Saturday night and sat with the body until I found her o Tuesday night. I didn’t talk about this last week but the smell was just unbearable. She was more functional at her house with a decaying dead body than she’s been at my house this past week. She’s now at a place when she’s sleeping, and eating, and showering. She talks but only for five or ten minutes at a time and then she’ll start crying or yelling about “her”. Not me or Heather. This mysterious “her”. I have no idea what it’s about but at least she’s talking. We’ve been slipping her half a sleeping pill to calm her down but for the most part, she’s not dealing with what happened.

 Jason has been handling his recent indiscretion with more ease. He spent a few days processing the situation after his father died and then he went back to work and started talking to me again. And I’m keeping to my vow; no more lies. I won’t tell him everything but if he asks me a question, I will answer honestly. This weekend he asked me if I had ever done anything like he had done and I said “yes”. He then asked if I understood what he was dealing with and said “no”. And then he asked me what to do next and I told him that there were two options: he could work to move on and live with the guilt, or he could learn how to do it better next time.

He’s going to start looking for psychotherapists tomorrow.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little hurt by his decision to cope and move away from the family business. After what happened to Sandra, maybe this is for the best. I told him as much but I don’t think he really understand what happened to his sister. He knows more than he did before. He’s growing up in a way I didn’t expect.

I hope he’ll be okay.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe