Wednesday, 10 January 2018

Your Mid-Week Update for 01/10/18

I’ve found I have to remind myself this week that it’s okay to make mistakes or fall behind on a project. I constantly forget about people and things I’m working on only to come back a few weeks later and have no idea where I left off or if it’s even worth pursuing.

Like Mary. Mary was my long, drawn-out murder mystery. It was going to take me months – maybe even years to build up this kill. When I did, I would let the police point the finger at everyone and ultimately settle on someone with suitable motive and no real alibi, leaving me a grieving and innocent friend, free to slip out of their lives forever.

I haven’t been to see Mary in a while. I spent the last two weeks of December and the first week of January forgetting that I had actually made this plan and avoiding the coffee shop – because, let’s be real, the shit is expensive. Granted, caffeine is not the most expensive addiction to have, but it is a costly endeavor nonetheless. Not everyone has multiple sugar daddy’s who provide for their every whim the Mary has. Multiple. I thought it was just two – the old guy who may or may not be her husband, and the vaguely foreign stare-at-you-over-my-newspaper-when-no-one-is-looking guy, are not the only ones, I’ve discovered.

Sunday night, I was grocery shopping with my darling husband when I ran into Mary. Mary was with a completely different man. And they definitely weren’t just friends. She did notice me and waved but didn’t call me over and pursue the matter. James thought it was hilarious that I’d stumbled on this soap opera plot. I’m just overwhelmed with all the potential patsies.

Come Monday morning, I made a point to stop by the cafĂ© to see what Mary would do. As expected, she stopped by my table to say “hello” and offered to buy me a cup of coffee some time this week. “It’s time we have some girl talk.” We’re going to lunch today so I’m sure it’ll be a very informative chat. I’m curious to see what she says.

Me, I just have to remember that it’s okay to come back to a project later More likely, you’ll come in with fresh eyes and a new perspective. And maybe you’ll catch a woman in the act of cheating on at least two men. Let life come to you sometimes.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday, 3 January 2018

Your Mid-Week Update for 01/03/18

Happy New Year Dear Readers!

I’d say “new year, new me” but why change perfection.

That’s a lie, I am far from perfect but New Year’s resolutions are useless – and it’s just too cold to start running or yoga…ing. I hope you all enjoyed that awfully awkward NYE celebration. No matter where you are in the world, I guarantee it was not as enjoyable as the people paid to be there think it was. The ball drop loses it’s magic after a while.

That sounds like some sort of euphemism, I’m sure but I can’t quite finish the analogy. I’m losing my touch.

In any case, the new year has been rung in, the sun has come out, and the country is still going to shit so…hooray for new years. It’s just another Monday,

I’ve recently been thinking about torture and it’s forms within the human psyche.

You can torture yourself with emotional or mental manipulation. You can physically torture yourself or others with varying degrees of success depending on your intent. Mentally torturing others for your pleasure is just psychopathy and deserves it’s own day of pondering.

I’m talking about the people who hurt themselves or others out of curiosity. The neutral need for experimentation and discovery no matter who or what is affected. I’ve often felt that urge. I take it out on my victims like a healthy individual. Sometimes I just want to see if it’ll work. Sometimes it doesn’t. I once tried to use a potato peeler to peel a man’s eyes out. Did not work. I mean it worked eventually but his eyes were in slices and there was blood EVERYWHERE – I had to thrown out one of my favourite sweaters. It’s hard to keep a nice wardrobe when you kill on a whim.

I’ve only ever ruined one fancy dress and that was after a clerk caught James and I kissing in the elevator and actually scolded us for a public display of affection. We were at the Policeman’s Ball (or Annual Gala as they call it now – Policeman’s Ball sounds so much fancier) and were just enjoying the free hotel accommodations. I don’t understand why some people in the service industry are against happiness.

I have great respect for people in the service industry – unless you’re rude to me – some people just shouldn’t be working there.

Like me. Be grateful I don’t work in the service industry, dear readers, the body count would be uncontrollable. Or I’d get super mellow. That might also happen.


As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday, 27 December 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 12/27/17

I am officially on vacation until…tomorrow. The office is operating on a “skeleton crew” until January 2nd which means I don’t have to come in every day but I do have to come in and man the phones/get some work done. No one uses our business over the holidays; it’s all factory owners and mid-tier rich businessmen. Everyone is on vacation! Unfortunately, I refuse to get paid to kill so if I want money, I have to go in to work on some of the coldest days of the year.

Actually, I Just looked it up and this is nowhere near the coldest recorded days for my area. It’s still fucking cold.

I don’t know why I’m complaining. This happens every year, and every year I’m thankful to sneak back to work. I think it’s because I genuinely had an enjoyable Christmas dinner with my family. While my father was a bit grouchy about “this generation” - to which Jason wisely kept his mouth shut – my mother was the one to change the subject and keep everyone level-headed. I was surprised to say the least. Not that my mother talked over my father, or tried to be happy even when tensions were high, but that she was calm and kind. She helped make and clean up dinner; she reminded my father not to inspect the house before we ate. She was uncharacteristically matriarchal.

At the time, I was just grateful for a reprieve from her relentless badgering but now that I write this out, I wonder if something is wrong with her.

I’m sure it’s fine.

So, I called my sister last week. My intention was actually to invite her to Christmas dinner but she declined. Apparently, she’s settled into a job and found an apartment with two other girls she met through her parole officer; she’s even met a boy. I say boy because he’s 15 years younger than her. I have nothing against two consenting adults doing their thing but I sincerely doubt this boy is mature enough to understand the complex nature of my sister. Maybe they’ll be really good for each other and end up in a loving relationship. Maybe they’ll just have good sex and zero meaningful conversation until it fizzles out. Both are possible. Both are fine. The point is, my sister didn’t come over for Christmas and I was fine with it.

It was a nice day.

And at the end of the day, isn’t that what Christmas is all about. Just having a good time?

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday, 20 December 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 12/20/17

Thank god for snow. It just isn't Christmas without snow. I know plenty of places don't have snow for the holidays but I've lived here my entire life and change is not something I'm interested in.

Besides, bodies are much easier to hide in snow piles than gravel. In celebration of mother nature, I thought I'd do a few festive kills to get into the spirit.

Three, in fact. And the following are anecdotes from my week:

Candy canes can be easily whittled down to a sharp point. This is not new information but it is always useful.

Have you ever string someone up with ornament hooks? It takes a lot of work. More than setting up the Christmas tree – which is enough to make you turn to murder.

Inspired by that one novelty song, I ran over someone's grandmother. I assume she was a grandmother. She looked grandmotherly.

Either way I had a lot of fun and really got into the spirit.

I think it's going to be a good Christmas.


I just got a call from my mother. I've thus far avoided the inevitable obligatory invitation. It's not that I don't love my mother. Well...I've discussed our relationship at length.

We haven't spoken in a few months, actually and it was a polite conversation. I also haven't heard from my sister in a while. Maybe I'll give her a call today. I'm inviting them all to Christmas dinner. I'll clean the house for my father without complaint and harbor all my mother's snarky comments and make it work.

Because that's really the true meaning of Christmas: making it work.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season and don’t die because I hate seeing my reader count dwindle without my permission.

And as always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday, 13 December 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 12/13/17

I can’t believe I find myself dreaming of snow. It’s been unusually warm this winter and the part of me that hates waking up early to brush off my car in the mornings is very grateful. The part of me that has come to rely on snowbanks, icy roads, and perpetual darkness is not happy at all. It’s been such a challenge this week to find ideal opportunities to kill. I’ve prided myself on being a murderer who can strike any time, any where, any way, but I rely heavily on outside factors. When the mood strikes me, I need to be able to hide a body. If I can’t control at least all of the factors, I’m not happy. I know, I know, I need to learn how to go with the flow – and in a lot of ways I do – but frankly, my line of work is very reliant on over preparedness. I can only improvise this much because I’ve put in the work beforehand so when unforeseen factors – like no snow in DECEMBER – put a wrench in my routine, I get a little irritable.

It could also be the holiday season that’s getting me down. I hear that’s a thing that normal people go through. I know I’m not technically a sociopath but I sometimes feel like I don’t understand human emotion to the point of calling them “normal”. For all I know, this is the December blues and has nothing to do with my lack of control over the weather.

Or maybe I’m upset that the police found one of my bodies within the hour rather than a few days from now as is tradition this time of year. Seriously, it is the middle of December; where is the snow?

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday, 6 December 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 12/06/17

And suddenly it’s Christmas; I’ve done no shopping, the house is a mess and my mother has left three messages this week. November went by so quickly. I don’t understand how time moves differently throughout the year. I know I shouldn’t complain about “oh, where has the time gone?” Especially at my age – the age of too many mobile games and watching Bad Moms for the “cutie”s. Although to be fair, Justin Hartley is very attractive.

Sorry, I got distracted by his IMDB page. What a wonderful world we live in; random information at your fingertips.

For example: 76% of all serial killers in the 20th Century operated out of the United States. The FBI estimates that there are 25-50 serial killers operating at any given time. That is so clearly a shot in the dark for them. They know that there are so many deaths and disappearances that go undocumented or unattributed every year. That’s the problem with 7 billion people in the world: it’s impossible to keep track of them all. Movies would have me believe that the government is trying – and succeeding – at knowing who and where everyone is but that’s just not true. I mean, they’ve got to have their heads too far up their own asses to properly keep track of what they had for breakfast.

That’s not a slight against our current political climate, mind you; I just don’t believe I’ve ever seen a truly competent government system. One that actually works together to achieve the collective interests of the people. It’s also impossible to

Nope. No. I will not turn this blog into political commentary. It’s polarizing, boring, and I don’t have nearly enough information to form an opinion. Now murder; I know all about murder. I can talk all day about murder.

That’s why I have this blog.

I recognize that I’ve been lax in my murder sprees lately – or at least in my description of them. I thought you guys might be getting too bored of the same thing week after week so I started telling you more about my drama than my kills. That wasn’t the right way to go. It’s time to go back to the original intention of this blog: bragging about all the people I’ve killed behind the anonymity of the internet.

Unfortunately I haven’t killed anyone this week.

Maybe this wasn’t the week for this kind of change.

Or maybe it was…

Probably wasn’t.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday, 22 November 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 11/22/17

I’m not a major fan of slasher flicks. That may seem odd but here’s why: they get it so wrong. The weapon, angle, and force they the killer uses when attacking his villains rarely produces the amount of blood cinematographers think she is.

I am so distracted right now, I must apologize. James left his crime drama running on Netflix and now he’s watching it while he gets ready for work. He’s been binging some Australian show I can’t remember the name of but their language use is very hard to ignore when I’m typing.  

Now he won’t turn it off so who know who this update’ll turn out.

As I was TRYING to say: Cinematographers have no idea how much blood and gore are actually produced when a killer attacks his victims. Inaccuracies always pulls me out of my fiction. I have no idea how any of you handle my updates. They are riddled with half-truths. It’s all intentional mind you but it still can’t be easy to connect with someone you’re not certain you know.

Also Genevieve or whatever I called her before is proving to be such a pain in the ass. I doubt that’s what I called her earlier but that’s what I’m calling her for this update so…deal with it.

Not only is she incredibly demanding and adheres to a convenient schedule, I’m 95% certain she’s cheating on her boyfriend/lover/husband with another regular at the coffee shop. We’ll call him Roberto – because I will not remember these names come next week. He comes in every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, about fifteen minutes after my target couple and sits across from them so that when her boyfriend gets up, Genevieve and Roberto make eye contact and smile at each other. Every time, without fail. And then they’re both on their phones until he comes back from the washroom or from apologizing to the barista for his girlfriend’s behavior. Every Time!

And they’re not even subtle about it. I’m pretty sure the entire staff team know all about it and gossip about it behind their backs. You think servers and baristas don’t notice this shit and talk about it on their off time? You must also think teachers don’t pick favorites. How nice to have such an innocent perspective about the world.  


I called her Mary in my initial update.

Whatever. Genevieve is cheating on her sugar daddy with some businessman who is admittedly very attractive which just uped her kill potential by half. The more suspects, the easier to kill. We’re still only acquaintances who say “hello”, “goodbye”, and “what is with this weather” with a few comments about The Bachelor or the latest dance show. I haven’t been as focused on my project as I could be. That might be a good thing. Too much attention too soon will absolutely send up some flags. However, my concern is that the two secret lovers will be exposed, Mary will be out on her ass and she won’t come to me for comfort which will guarantee she won’t trust me enough to let me kill her. The ideal scenario is that she and I exchange casual acquaintance Christmas cards this year.

I hate casual acquaintance Christmas cards. They are such a waste of money. I can’t believe I’m actually looking forward to it. Time to step up my game.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe