Wednesday, 15 November 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 11/15/17

Somehow, it’s the Christmas season in the middle of November and I find myself not minding that much. As you all know, I have a rather complicated relationship with Christmas. I love the snow and the unrelenting optimism and friendliness of unsuspecting victims; but on the other hand: my family drains the life from me with every phone call and unexpected visit and eventually that unrelenting optimism becomes an elusive cynicism that is impossible to manage.

As usual, the moment Halloween was over – and even a little bit before – all the Christmas decorations came out and the holiday music started playing. It must be so odd as a musician to write and record Christmas music months and months in advance. I don’t actually know how long it takes to produce an album but I imagine Michael BublĂ© in his recording studio on the Fourth of July singing about decking the halls.

How did that man establish himself as a staple of the holiday season? You have Butter-whatever Turkey, Oceanview Cranberries, and Michael Bubbles. That and whatever Starbucks is happening – although, confession, I am definitely an Eggnog Latte with extra chocolate sprinkles (in case any of you were wondering) – seems to define the modern Western Christmas.

I won’t go off into a tangent about the rampant consumerism of our contemporary culture – mostly because those are college essay words and I am beyond that. And frankly I don’t care that our society has become obsessed with itself. It makes my job easier.

I know that life is not all about death but it’s something I’ve passionate about. If I could get paid for it, I would – although we’ve already established that assassination does not allow for nearly enough creativity or freedom. Maybe I should find another hobby as well. Just to balance things out. Any suggestions?

In any case; I’m feeling quite calm and content right now. I might actually be looking forward to the holidays this year. Of course, my mother hasn’t called yet. We’ll see if the two of us can get through the holiday season without incident.

I doubt it. What fun would that be? I don’t know if that sentence was grammatically correct. Any English majors in my reader-base?

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 8 November 2017

Your Mid-Week Update 11/08/17

I’ve often thought about writing a book. Some tell-all tale about my life as the secret killer of [name redacted. Obviously] published anonymously as the next best-selling novel of a generation. And then I remembered that this is the internet and nothing is anonymous. I miss those days. When you could be or say anything and people had to believe you because all of your information is immediately accessible. I grew up just after the epic age of rampaging murderers, charming killers who could lure you down any dark alley. When it wasn’t safe to even walk in groups or stay at home alone. What a time to be alive!

Literally. There were so many active serial killers roaming the streets, you were more likely to survive a colonial winter. Do you know how many…


I went downstairs for a cup of coffee and genuinely forgot what I was about to say. Don’t you hate that?

The point is, I’m living in a time where killing is not as easy as playing the victim and charming people into your car. I never truly had those days but now, true anonymity is a thing of the past.

I know that one day the world will discover all of my secrets but until then, I’m going to enjoy my little corner of the world and stave off the book writing for right before my trial – poison the jury pool. Not that I plan on ever getting caught. I’ve thought long and hard about how I want my days to end. Nothing will ever be quite good enough to close on the greatest serial killer of the 20th and 21st centuries. Oh yes, I’ve checked the numbers. I made it to the top! I wonder if this is a record the Guinness people will want to recognize.

One day my work will be studied. I guarantee.

Or perhaps no one will ever find out and I’ll fade into obscurity.

I don’t know which I’d want more: to be finally recognized for my years of hard work; or to never be caught even in death.

Decisions, decisions.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 1 November 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 11/01/17

Halloween was fantastic. It’s the most I’ve enjoyed a holiday in a while. I got to completely lose myself in the (fairly recent) gore-y traditions.

You know how there’s only one real case of poison-laced candy? Now there’s two.

You know how the dumb blonde in horror movies always goes up the stairs instead of out the front door? It’s true for any hair colour.

You know how you walk down some deserted street alone and you just KNOW that this is when you’re going to die? I waited until you were in a crowd of people to stab you from behind. They never noticed you until I was already gone.

That’s the beauty of Halloween: everyone is in disguise.

This year, the local police department set up a haunted house to raise money and create a “safe and fun space for kids to go”. It was the perfect hunting ground. If you went into the house after 10, only half of that blood was fake. If you went in after midnight, you never came out again. Of course, if you went in after 1, you’d have no idea what I was talking about. The only thing our police department is thorough in is cleanups. Their crime scenes are immaculate after an investigation is through.

That’s not meant as a slight against my husband; he’s very good at his job, and I’m sure if I gave the rest of his department a fair chance, they might be able to catch me.

Eventually.

I’m still riding that high from last night. So many people scarred for life (in more ways than one). I love a good slasher night. And Halloween is just…too perfect.

Of course, I’m exaggerating; I only killed three people. I’m not stupid enough to go on a full-on murder-spree in the middle of a police event – I’m good but I want to live. Still, I had fun and a lot of guests were entertained.

I made Jason stay home to hand out Halloween candy. He made some off-handed remark about having to cancel plans for me but I know he didn’t have any plans. No costume, no late-night phone calls (the walls are too thin), no new friends. He wasn’t going anywhere. At least I gave him an excuse – and I didn’t call him out. I can be a good mother.

At least I didn’t tell him what I was up to all night.

I know he still doesn’t approve but he doesn’t ask me to stop so I won’t push him either. It’s a mutual silent agreement. That’s good enough for me.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 25 October 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 10/25/17

I’ve had a confusing weekend. James texted last week and suggested we play cops and robbers. I’ll admit, I thought it was going to be a sex thing but it turned out to be a car thing and way more fun. Not really. Our sex life is very healthy. Stop asking.

So, the “car thing” was a roleplay of cops and robbers where we sit in a car, with a sunglasses and an unused radar, and pick out victims. We made a game out of it, calling out a colour or number and the first car that passes matching our description, we follow. Either we’d lose the car or we’d follow it to their destination and kill them. I learned so much about how police “tail” a suspect, and covert movement this weekend than I have in the entire time we’ve been married.

That’s not to say James hasn’t taught me things about his work, or shared his experiences.

Shut up.

We played his game of cops and robbers all weekend but at night, we played my game but I have to admit, I might have liked his version better. Maybe I’m just not as into roleplay as I previously thought.

On a completely unrelated note, Halloween is coming up and I haven’t decided if I’m going out this year. Unless something upsets my plans, I usually go out in costume and terrorize a random neighbourhood with death and dismemberment. This year, I almost forgot it was coming up and I have yet to find my location for the year. Am I too old to use Halloween as an excuse to maim and terrorize people?

God I hope not. I’ll just have to do a few midnights runs around the city to find my target in time. And I do mean those runs literally. I haven’t abandoned that little nugget. In case anyone was wondering. It’s still as exhausting as ever and I’m still dreading the early morning chill. Why is it so cold and yet my body is so hot?

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 18 October 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 10/18/17

Exercising is difficult. Not the act itself – well, yes – but forming a new habit. Especially good habits. As I’ve discovered the hard way over the years I have a very addictive nature. I start something that’s probably not good for me (or others) and it sticks. My working theory now is that I can form good habits that same way.

So far that hasn’t been the case but there’s a first time for everything.

Instead of going to the gym last week, I started running in the mornings. It actually felt really good when the weather was nice but Friday was so cold I got about five minutes from the house before I had to turn back. But I do like the benefits of running. Physical exercise, fresh air, early morning awareness; and if I happen to meet a fellow running and stalk them into the park before bashing their head into a tree and stabbing them twelve times then that’s just bonus.

Speaking of which. I have definitely slept in this morning and if I’m going to start this supposedly healthy habit I need to be consistent. That means going out at the same time every day. Which means I’m running late – pun intended?

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 11 October 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 10/11/17

I’ve never been overly athletic. I’ve gained muscle and some stamina from my extra-curricular activities but I’m not skinny or a picture of health. I’d like to think that I can still do all the things I want to do, despite my body.

A victim got away from me yesterday and I had to chase him down to kill him. I was winded and it took significant effort to finally subdue him. I think I should face the fact that I’m not as young as I once was. I know how time works – I know that I’m getting older – but in the past, I didn’t have to work as hard to chase someone down or snap their neck. The simple answer is that I need to start going to the gym or working out at home OUTSIDE of my murder sprees. It’s not shameful; it’s just facts.

Still, I’ll admit it was a little disheartening when I couldn’t do something that once came so easily to me. I can be proud that I’m doing something I truly enjoy – not for a full-time job but certainly a priority in my life; and I’m definitely more fit than most of my colleagues at the office.

I’m going to be more physically active this week. Walk to work. Maybe hit the gym. I’ll talk to James and see if there’s something we can do together. I think it’d be good for us to find a couple’s activity outside the bedroom. It certainly couldn’t hurt our communication skills – they’re not bad, there’s just always room for improvement.

That’s the theme for the week: Always Room for Improvement.

I’m sure this is basic grammar but why do we capitalize some words in a title but not others? If there are any English majors in my reader-base, please comment and let me know.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe

Wednesday, 4 October 2017

Your Mid-Week Update for 10/04/17

Ah the first fall of snow. It's cold, slushy, and perfect for body disposal. The body may be eventually found but all of that mush and snow destroys crime scene evidence. It's more than never getting caught, it's knowing that they are so close and will never get there. Now once winter properly hits, it presents its own challenges but that first snow makes me feel like a kid again: I just want to play.

The first snow fall also makes finding victims easier. People forget how to drive for a few hours that morning. I thought I would be more frustrated with them but it’s tradition now. People who had the foresight to get their tires changed before the first snow are possible more annoying. I would make an appointment to get my tires changed except the rest of the week calls for sunny skies and warm weather. Is it worth it? You’d think these minor daily problems wouldn’t plague me but those are the things that should get to you; the things you can change. Let it bother you for a little bit, then fix it and move on. That’s how I handle laundry, at least.

Yesterday I drove past one of those chain mechanic shops and followed one of their customers home. I garroted him what turned out to be a few blocks from his house. Tragic. The news attributed it to gang violence which is apparently a problem in that area.

I really need to thank the gangs of this city and area. They get blamed for so much of my shit. I should send them a basket. What do gangs like? Fruit? Guns? Do you think they’re muffin people? Where would I even leave it?

Questions that will plague me until I find a solution.

Do I have any gang-affiliated readers? Let me know; I’ll order an Edible Arrangement.

As always, dear readers,


Stay Safe